i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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