explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
