One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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