i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize