My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
