im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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