I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
