It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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