I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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