She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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