Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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