Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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