I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
