Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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