I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
