ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
