i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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