I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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