Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
