It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
