The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
