I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize