the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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