I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
