if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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