I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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