I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
