Only a mothe r could love this liver
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
