well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
