I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
