The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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