she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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