Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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