a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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