I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
