Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
