On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
