New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
