this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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