After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
