addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
