I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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