today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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