i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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