Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize