Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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