I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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