apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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