I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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