man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
