I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
