I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize