My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
