she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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