we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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