he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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