I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize