a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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