My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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