Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize