the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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